Stressed to the Max Mom

Dear Counselor,

I 'm a thirty something year old Mom that is overwhelmed! I am overwhelmed at job and even more so at home. I feel like when I get out of my paid job, I check into my non paid job (house work, carpools, homework ect). Everyone talks about having balance in our lives but no one tells us how to do this? If you know of any secrets to success in work/home life balance, PLEASE share this with me and my friends!

Thank you,

Stressed to the Max Mom

PS: My friends and I are all pulling for you and voting every day for you to be on Oprah!
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Dear Stressed,

You have touched on a subject that I personally have been working on for the past year. I have not cracked the Da Vinci Code on this issue, however, I met with a very experienced Life Coach and came up with some solutions that have changed my life. For brevity purposes only ... I will just share a few ideas.

The Life Coach pointed out that we [thirty somethings] tend to get so bogged down with bills, kids and our careers that we forget the value of play. We are are so overwhelmed with trying to get everything done all the time [at home and at work] that we sometimes lose ourselves in the details.

First, set aside one day per week where you can have a few hours all to yourself. No kids, no husband or significant other. Don't plan anything, don't take emails , texts or phone calls. Do whatever meets your fancy that day. For me, it could be reading a book one week and next week it's meditating and taking a long, hot bath. (If you don't have a spouse to take the kids for a few hours, negotiate a deal with another single Mom/Dad.) You will soon find that a few hours to yourself will feel like a mini vacation and your batteries will quickly recharge!

Second, get organized. I am convinced that the more chaos you have in your life the worse your outlook [on life] tends to be. Typically when a lawyer gets a new file, the first thing we do is organize all of the documents into the appropriate folders and sections. You can't understand what the real issues of the case are until you have sorted out all of the details.

Lastly, once you quiet your mind and organize your space, I urge you to write out a list of hobbies. Nothing on this list should include your children, friends or your spouse/significant other. You don't have to start or finish everything (or even anything on the list) for that matter. This is more of an exercise to get your creative juices going again. Don't get frustrated if you can't think of anything right away. Be kind to yourself. It's probably been a long time since you did things just for the fun of it.

I have to warn you that some people (family member included) may get upset and downright angry when you start this unplugging process. Eventually, they will get over it and accept the new and improved you! Most attorneys do not accept or return phone calls, emails or text messages while in trial because it diminishes their focus on the task at hand. That's just the nature of the beast. Keep your focus, stay the course and, in time, you will start seeing the "present" as truly a gift.

In closing, I would like to sincerely thank you and all of your friends for voting on Oprah each and every day! Your votes and support get me one step closer to helping more and more people.

My Sincerest Thanks,

The Counselor

Dining Disaster

Dear Counselor,

I have an issue with the dining etiquette with one of my friends. The last two times we have gone out with this one couple in particular, they have brought their 3 kids along to dine with us. My husband and I have one child so we understand what it's like to have child care issues. What really frustrates me is that they act like it's going to be an "adults only" evening then surprise! Here's the kicker-- they take their kids, drink and eat like crazy then request to split the bill 50/50! The last time we went out with them, we got hit with a $250 restaurant bill not including the babysitter. We are struggling to make ends meet ourselves and this really set us back! I know they are going through tough financial times as well but I feel it's just wrong to dine on other people's dime. Any Suggestions?

Thanks,

Perturbed Payer
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Dear Perturbed,

Unfortunately, I have fallen victim to this situation more times than I would like to admit. Your frustration is not only warranted but will probably be felt by several members of the Gavel Babble Gallery. There are a few very simple solutions that I have executed myself when faced with repeat [dining] offenders like your friend.


Approach #1, get to the restaurant before your friends arrive and let the waiter/waitress know that you will be having separate checks. Ask him to be discrete to avoid any awkwardness when the bill arrives. This will send a subtle yet clear message the paying for more than your share is not something you are interested in.


Approach 2#: Go to an "all you eat" restaurant where there is only beer and wine sold or even better no alcohol. I have a sneaky suspicion that a good portion of your bill is due to your friends ordering up on the top shelf liquor which can add up quickly. This approach can at least mitigate your damages to an amount you can swallow. (pun intended)


Approach #3: When they ask you to dine with them again (which is inevitably in the near future especially since they've had two good dining runs) , simple state that you are trying to save money and that you are curtailing you expenses right now. Then suggest, in the alternative, that you guys get together at one of your houses for a home-cooked meal.


In this situation, confronting your friends about their [inconsiderate] behavior will probably back fire on you. They will most likely "flip" this onto you making themselves and their children out to be the victims. Never a good situation. If your friends are not enthusiastic Approach #3, chances are they are more interested in "dining on your dime" as you so eloquently put it. In that case, I would file a Motion to Sever the Dining Relationship and cut your losses.


For more information on how to save money in these tough economic times, please visit http://www.madamedeals.com/



Sincerely,

The Counselor

Nanny Nightmare

Dear Counselor,

My husband and I are constantly annoyed when we have a birthday party and parents that are too good or too busy like playing tennis don't bring their children to a party, but send their nannies instead. I can understand if it is a good friend and they are away and grandma and grandpa may want to bring them, but how do we word our invitations nicely that if your nanny is going to bring your child then don't attend. I don't want to be rude, however, I am tired of these self centered moms not wanting to come to a party because they feel the need they already have friends. You feel obligated to invite the child because your child plays with them at school.

Thank You,

Mrs. Invitation Inquiry
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It goes without saying that these parents should be held in CONTEMPT OF COURT for bad behavior! Unfortunately for you and you husband trying to explain this concept (i.e. the importance of spending quality time with your children) will most likely fall on deaf ears to someone that finds “me time” more important than “we time.”

When tailoring a motion, the last sentence is always what we “pray” for the court to do. Why not do the same thing in your invitation?

Join Us for Family Fun at Ethan’s Nerf Sword Party!

When: Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Where: My House
What: All family members needs to wear comfortable clothes for the sword fight contest… Moms and Dads included!

By emphasizing FAMILY throughout the invitation, you subtly get the point across without offending the usual suspects. Chances are they are not even reading the invitation anyways which leads me to my next point. The nanny will probably bring this nuance to parent’s attention noting that this appears to be a “family” event and that she does not qualify as such. The parent(s) will either get on board or send their regrets. Either way, you win.

The only concern that I have is for the children that are brought by these nannies. We already know that the children are being emotionally neglected by the parent(s) so excluding them may only punish the children further for the parent’s absent behavior.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by sending out “family oriented” party invitations. It’s ultimately your party, your rules. Who knows? These parents may find that spending time with their children is more fun and better exercise than tennis! Game, Set, Match.

Sincerely,

The Counselor

Working Dad Dilemna

Dear Counselor,

I am a working dad with two wonderful children and an awesome wife. I have a great job that provides a stable and healthy paycheck, and overall, it just seems like "why would I want anymore." Of course, I want more!!! I have always dreamed of owning my own business, and I am right now in the process of considering making a move to open up a business with my best friend which by all accounts is anything but a "calculated and safe" move. Quite frankly, it is the kind of move that could really set my family back financially for quite some time. Needless to say, I am extremely nervous about this decision, but there is that pesky little voice inside me that continues to tell me that it is all going to work out.. sort of "if you build it they will come" moment.

What do you think I should do...

Sincerely,

Whispers in my head...
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Dear Whispers,

Before any good attorney goes to trial, we review the case and determine what type of strategy and/or "calculated risks" need to be explored before we even consider setting foot into a courtroom. What are the strengths and weaknesses of the case i.e. pros v. cons? Will the financial benefit outweigh the risks of investing in an expensive trial? Will a panel of six complete strangers (aka jurors) return a verdict in my favor? Depending on the complexity of the case, the questions can be infinite.

Most people believe that every trial has a 50/50 chance of winning or losing. I disagree. Personally, I have won (and lost) trials based upon tangibles like preparedness, knowledge or lack thereof with a particular issue and organization to name just a few. Likewise, trials have been won (and lost) on intangibles like passion, believability, charisma and personality/likeability.

Success in trial (and in life) is simply not defined entirely by the facts. On paper, you could have a million dollar case then something goes terribly wrong and now you have a hot mess on your hands. If you are truly passionate about "being your own boss" what are you doing each and every day to obtain this goal? Are you taking business, management and sales courses? Are you networking at every possible moment? Remember, 90% of success is merely showing up. The other 10% is not looking like an idiot once you’re there. You need to be good at your craft and GREAT at your business!

Educate yourself, become financially intelligent, read business management books, devour every opportunity to learn and network that comes your way. Then sell your case to as many complete strangers as possible and see if they would return a verdict in your favor. By selling to strangers, you not only work out the kinks but you also are solidifying that your dreams will become your reality. Perfect strangers can give you a wealth of unexpected knowledge and could become a future client.

I can tell that you are worried about putting your family and finances in a precarious position. You clearly put your family first as evidenced by your willingness to give up your dreams for their security. Trust me, if you do everything possible to tip the scales of justice in your favor, your wife and children will not only support your decision but will also thank you down the road.

When the time is right, the whispers will turn into voices, the voices into shouts, and shouts then into screams! Follow the screams… Case Closed.

Sincerely,

The Counselor

Toxic Friendships

Dear Counselor,
I have a friend that is sucking the life out of me! I have come to realize over time that she is not a good person but now I am basically forced to be her friend because I have to see her on a constant basis. She is very confrontational, rude and self absorbed which makes it even more difficult to break away from this toxic relationship. Help!!!

Sincerely,
Get-A-Way Girl

Dear Get-A-Way,
When did being a “friend” become an absolute right instead of a privilege that must be earned? In the era of when becoming a “friend” is as easy as a click of a mouse, I truly believe that we tend to distort the true meaning behind what a “friend” constitutes. We use the word “friend” fast and loose when in actuality it should be close and tight. Just because you have things in common i.e. work together, live in the same neighbor, children share the same school… this does not mean that you need to let the undesirables into your inner circle. Under no circumstances should you feel forced to be in any situation be it a job, relationship or friendship that makes you feel bad!

This is a fun game to play which turns out to be highly effective. Ask yourself this… if I could be friends with any celebrity, who would it be? Why a celebrity? Well for one thing their track records are easily accessible—good, bad or otherwise. For example, my celebrity would be Reese Witherspoon. Reese seems smart, funny, successful, young mother of two, goal/career oriented, southern raised, a real go getter and generally seems like a nice person. Whether it’s Reese Witherspoon or Jane Doe, you need to identity what “qualities” you want a friend to possess then surround yourself with like minded individuals.

Whenever an attorney and his client have irreconcilable differences (basically two people that just cannot get along out of no fault of their own), the attorney will file a Motion to Withdraw with the Court. The motion will be set for a hearing and the Judge will determine whether there is any way to salvage this attorney-client relationship. Many times attorneys will withdraw even after investing time, energy and their own money into a losing situation. There is no shame in withdrawing from a relationship that is just not working for you. A “friend” should be your biggest advocate not your adversary. Simple stated, your Motion to Withdraw is Granted.

The Counselor

Dear Counselor,
My husband has gone to work in another state leaving me with all the
responsibilities of running a house, my full time job and our kid's care. He
goes to work and then he goes home, free to do any thing he wants while I
struggle to meet all kinds of deadlines and duties. I have no family in
town, I have no time for my self so I'm growing resentful. Any suggestions?

Husband Away

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Dear Husband Away,

“Gentlemen, let’s call a spade, a spade.” While sitting in court patiently waiting for my turn, a frustrated Judge made this bold statement after hearing and rehearing the same argument/disagreement by two attorneys. Clearly, you are not “growing resentful” you are resentful.

How do you know that your husband isn’t resentful towards you as well? Maybe he sees it differently. You actually have a happy, little person to keep you company… who does he have to come “home” to when he has had a bad day? Freedom with no responsibilities can be great but it also may come with intense loneliness. I am not siding with him, just presenting you with his (possible) side of the case.

Regardless of what your husband is doing (or not doing for that matter), you need to form your own support system. Find “single” moms like yourself to share the emotional and physical load. There has to be single parents in your child’s school, neighborhood or social circle that would be willing to have a sleep over one night a week to give you the night off. The worst case scenario would be to budget in a babysitter for some desperately needed adult time.

When any lawsuit is filed, opposing counsel will generally request the other party to give them something called discovery. Typically, the opposing party will ask you to make admissions and answer interrogatories (which is a fancy word for questions). I suggest you propose hard questions to your husband like where is this marriage going or when will we be a “family” again? Then work on the admissions… Admit that you love your family enough and will do whatever it takes to get back to normalcy. Clearly you have an incredible amount of unanswered questions that need to be resolved in your current situation.

Remember, when you ask hard questions, expect hard answers. You can’t make royal flush of spades with only a queen of hearts.

The Counselor

Dear Counselor,
I am working mother with a dilemma. When I go to work, I feel guilty because I am not spending enough time with my kids. I work long hours so I am usually exhausted by the time that I get home. Sometimes I have to let my mother watch them so that I can get some rest which makes me feel even worse! I love my kids more than anything in this world but I desperately need my job and some rest too. I feel like if I take any time for myself to regroup then I am a bad mother. I hate feeling like I am in a lose-lose situation all the time. Any suggestions?
Truly,
Guilt Ridden
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Dear Ridden,
I think you have struck a chord with almost every working (which includes stay at home moms) woman I know! I want to share a story with you. Right before Christmas, I scheduled to take a day off of work. I meticulously planned out several errands and other appointments … essentially a 2 page laundry list. I dropped the kids off at my mother-in-law’s house—check. Drycleaners—check. Upon arriving to the third location on my list, I realized that I had booked my appointment on the wrong day! I decided to head home for a few minutes before hitting my next appointment. I checked my email and read your message. You know what I did next? I threw away my list and took a GUILT FREE nap on my couch!

I ask every woman reading this blog… when was the last time you took a GUILT FREE nap? Guys do it all the time, however, when we take a break we feel like we must make up for lost time. We feel guilty when we work, guilty when we play, guilty when we do something nice for ourselves—guilt, guilt, guilt. When we do spend a little extra money or time on ourselves, we act as if we must justify this little luxury to everyone we know. When was the last time you heard of a guy justifying his most recent golf outing? Million to one that you will never hear, “well, honey I really needed the fresh air, exercise and time with friends… but don’t worry I will pick up the kids, make dinner, do laundry…” Get the picture? The more probable answer is, “I’m gonna go play today, is that ok?” No explanations, no justifications—just a question, that’s really a statement.

As a side bar: if you are unattached (i.e. single, no children or otherwise) relish in the free time that you have available. The best novel you will ever read is called “Your Life.” The best way to enjoy this epic novel is to savor every chapter. Don’t skim or skip chapters—you will miss the storyline. Don’t get stuck in one particular chapter either! The beauty of “Your Life” is that every chapter has its own wonderful and delicious twists and turns. Drink it up and take advantage of every blissful opportunity that comes your way.

If you were my client, I would advise you to plead “not guilty” in open court. Even the most unreasonable Judge would dismiss all charges against you in that you have done nothing wrong, that can be proven beyond a reasonable doubt! So as the Judge and Jury in this forum, I sentenced you to one GUILT FREE day of rest and relaxation.

Ridden can stay, Guilt is excused.

Take care,
The Counselor