Dear Counselor,
My husband has gone to work in another state leaving me with all the
responsibilities of running a house, my full time job and our kid's care. He
goes to work and then he goes home, free to do any thing he wants while I
struggle to meet all kinds of deadlines and duties. I have no family in
town, I have no time for my self so I'm growing resentful. Any suggestions?

Husband Away

________________________________________________________________________

Dear Husband Away,

“Gentlemen, let’s call a spade, a spade.” While sitting in court patiently waiting for my turn, a frustrated Judge made this bold statement after hearing and rehearing the same argument/disagreement by two attorneys. Clearly, you are not “growing resentful” you are resentful.

How do you know that your husband isn’t resentful towards you as well? Maybe he sees it differently. You actually have a happy, little person to keep you company… who does he have to come “home” to when he has had a bad day? Freedom with no responsibilities can be great but it also may come with intense loneliness. I am not siding with him, just presenting you with his (possible) side of the case.

Regardless of what your husband is doing (or not doing for that matter), you need to form your own support system. Find “single” moms like yourself to share the emotional and physical load. There has to be single parents in your child’s school, neighborhood or social circle that would be willing to have a sleep over one night a week to give you the night off. The worst case scenario would be to budget in a babysitter for some desperately needed adult time.

When any lawsuit is filed, opposing counsel will generally request the other party to give them something called discovery. Typically, the opposing party will ask you to make admissions and answer interrogatories (which is a fancy word for questions). I suggest you propose hard questions to your husband like where is this marriage going or when will we be a “family” again? Then work on the admissions… Admit that you love your family enough and will do whatever it takes to get back to normalcy. Clearly you have an incredible amount of unanswered questions that need to be resolved in your current situation.

Remember, when you ask hard questions, expect hard answers. You can’t make royal flush of spades with only a queen of hearts.

The Counselor

Dear Counselor,
I am working mother with a dilemma. When I go to work, I feel guilty because I am not spending enough time with my kids. I work long hours so I am usually exhausted by the time that I get home. Sometimes I have to let my mother watch them so that I can get some rest which makes me feel even worse! I love my kids more than anything in this world but I desperately need my job and some rest too. I feel like if I take any time for myself to regroup then I am a bad mother. I hate feeling like I am in a lose-lose situation all the time. Any suggestions?
Truly,
Guilt Ridden
__________________________________________________

Dear Ridden,
I think you have struck a chord with almost every working (which includes stay at home moms) woman I know! I want to share a story with you. Right before Christmas, I scheduled to take a day off of work. I meticulously planned out several errands and other appointments … essentially a 2 page laundry list. I dropped the kids off at my mother-in-law’s house—check. Drycleaners—check. Upon arriving to the third location on my list, I realized that I had booked my appointment on the wrong day! I decided to head home for a few minutes before hitting my next appointment. I checked my email and read your message. You know what I did next? I threw away my list and took a GUILT FREE nap on my couch!

I ask every woman reading this blog… when was the last time you took a GUILT FREE nap? Guys do it all the time, however, when we take a break we feel like we must make up for lost time. We feel guilty when we work, guilty when we play, guilty when we do something nice for ourselves—guilt, guilt, guilt. When we do spend a little extra money or time on ourselves, we act as if we must justify this little luxury to everyone we know. When was the last time you heard of a guy justifying his most recent golf outing? Million to one that you will never hear, “well, honey I really needed the fresh air, exercise and time with friends… but don’t worry I will pick up the kids, make dinner, do laundry…” Get the picture? The more probable answer is, “I’m gonna go play today, is that ok?” No explanations, no justifications—just a question, that’s really a statement.

As a side bar: if you are unattached (i.e. single, no children or otherwise) relish in the free time that you have available. The best novel you will ever read is called “Your Life.” The best way to enjoy this epic novel is to savor every chapter. Don’t skim or skip chapters—you will miss the storyline. Don’t get stuck in one particular chapter either! The beauty of “Your Life” is that every chapter has its own wonderful and delicious twists and turns. Drink it up and take advantage of every blissful opportunity that comes your way.

If you were my client, I would advise you to plead “not guilty” in open court. Even the most unreasonable Judge would dismiss all charges against you in that you have done nothing wrong, that can be proven beyond a reasonable doubt! So as the Judge and Jury in this forum, I sentenced you to one GUILT FREE day of rest and relaxation.

Ridden can stay, Guilt is excused.

Take care,
The Counselor

Gavel Babble is where Dear Abby meets Judge Judy – an advice column seeking to discuss your day to day non legal challenges, issues and concerns. Does your significant other take you for granted after so many years of being together? Are you having a hard time developing the courage to go up to the “love of your life”? Is your career becoming a burden or not what you expected? Those, and many like it, are the types of questions the Counselor is here to help you with. Nothing is out of bounds. Questions will be randomly selected and answered by “The Counselor” with a legal twist of course. You pose the question and the Counselor will analyze the problem, do the research and render an opinion.

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